To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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