I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
