So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
