im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
