So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
