This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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