Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
