dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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