$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
