She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You had me at "let me see your balls"
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
