Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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