We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
