This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
