Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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