Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
