you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
