Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You were trust falling into bushes
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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