Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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