i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
