dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
