some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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