i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
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