if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
