Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
