the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
