I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
