My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
