The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
