If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
