she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I said "one day" and that day is not today
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
