My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
