Someone shit on the floor
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
