Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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