sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
