You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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