i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
