I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
