After last night, I could never be a politician.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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