Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
