we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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