my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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