we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
