I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
