i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
