Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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