you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
