I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
