It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
