you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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