I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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