i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
