Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He better not be in your backpack
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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