I didn't shave. On purpose
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
