took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
